The rain is beautiful tonight. Steady and little gusts of wind are knocking around the trees right now. It is calming and serene and the perfect weather for insight I think.
I have been trying to sleep for hours. I probably should not even try at this point. In about two hours there will be two little girls coming downstairs looking for breakfast and cuddles.
My tea has gone cold and does not taste as good as it did an hour ago. I feel like I have so much to get off of my chest but now that I begin writing my noble intentions go right out the window. I am pretty sure I am not sleeping tonight. The bonus is my house will be abnormally clean, dishes stacked perfectly and everything put in alphabetical order by tonight. Sometimes just thinking about these moments exhausts me. Knowing that once I have it all “in order” my girls will enjoy going behind me and playing tricks but causing disorganization.
That is any day though with them. Which leads me into my mom moments. You know when you have to try and keep a clean house but still keep your kids content and give them your undivided attention and teach them all about the world.
I don’t think anyone can do it all. Especially on no sleep.
I got the crazy idea tonight to write letters to my girls again. I used to write them, each month, a letter. Telling them all about themselves and did this until they were about two. Now I think telling them about us is better. Our adventures, our talks, our dreams together.
Sometimes I think I have forgotten who I am. Or who I was. I am honestly not really sure who I am supposed to be. I mean I get I am a mom, a wife, blah blah. But I put so much aside when I had decided to “settle down and get a family” if that makes sense. Sometimes I don’t have a clue who I am. I wake up (when I sleep), I make coffee, serve breakfast, read to my girls or we watch one of their favorite shows, we do art stuff. I make lunch, clean all of the dishes, we go for a walk and we work on our garden. Then its dinner time and I need to clean up before my husband gets home, get the house in order to make dinner, eat dinner, clean up after dinner, I work a little while my husband plays with the girls in the back yard or goes for another walk. Then its bed time. We get them asleep, I move the laundry around and then I sit down and do some more of my work. I only get the break up when I see a client. Or if the girls go to my in-laws for a night.
So where do I fit in?
I am not sure. I do not even know how to find “me” in that mix.
Here goes to reminiscing.